I am thinking about a lot of different things.
What it means to write, and for whom, and for what purpose.
What it means to have the privilege of middle class status even when the privileges I have appear invisible (or as detriments) to me.
What my role should be as a scholar and as an academic (the two are not synonymous).
What are the best ways to contribute to my communities.
How to keep my head above water even when I know the things I want (a private, mid-sized apartment in a low-crime neighborhood, disposable income to shop, eat & go where I choose, beauty products that keep me to the standard I am accustomed and a constant wi-fi connection) are not things I need. They are only things I feel I deserve because I am a) a human being, b) of a class status that feels entitled (not privileged) to have those things and c) concerned that I may lose my class status if I don’t have–or at least can’t feign as though I do have–those things in sufficient quantity.
In short–I struggle to keep my class privilege even though I know I may be hurting myself (credit rating much?) to do so. Even though that I try to exercise and live a politics that is anti-classist, anti-racist, anti-heterosexist, etc…..
At the same time, are there ways that acquiring class privilege will make me a more effective resource and weapon against those systems of oppression? I don’t want to believe that. But isn’t it true?
I’m conflicted, I’m scared, I’m embarassed, I’m frustrated, I’m lonely.